New day, new dreams

One of my worst traits is probably continuously finding new things to be obsessed about, yet never having any of them develop into a long-term passion. My energy is never focused, but constantly divided and shifting from one thing to another. In the perspective of high-achieving individuals who spend years to accomplish their focused goals in life, I’m probably a disaster. But seeing how I only hope to enjoy every day as they come, I’d say I’m doing a fabulous job.

Here are some of the new goals I came up with today. I realize that some might never be achieved, but just the thought of it being there makes my heart flutter with excitement.

1. Drinking more water
Inspired by a Superwoman vlog, I have decided that I really need to start drinking more water. My relationship with water is a little bit weird. My bladder seems to be a lot smaller than most people and I always feel like I have to pee; it gets frustrating after I’ve had to go several times in an hour. I’m always the one changing the toilet paper rolls in the house because my roommates seem to only have to pee twice a day.

2. Learn to make jewelry
While browsing Etsy for cute, simple rings, I was struck by just how much talent there is everywhere. By no means am I great at arts and crafts, but it won’t hurt to learn. I’ve taught myself to knit and crochet so I think making jewelry will be the next logical step.

3. Stretch everyday
I live a sedentary lifestyle. No matter how in shape I become, it will not change the fact that I have to spend most of my days sitting in class and sitting at my desk. My hamstrings are always tight and not to mention my shoulders. Stretching does wonders but is also very time-consuming, hence I’ve never gotten into the habit.

Life is a bit too short for just one dream or one goal. Having new ones everyday may seem a bit excessive but it’s the way I keep myself moving.

The nights I become hollow

My night began as a quiet one with some anticipation for a small-scale party at my place. But instead of laughing with friends and having a jolly time, I’m somehow left saddened and really really hungry.

It dawned on me during their stay that we’ve drifted apart as friends. As they crowded around my desk I felt like my space was being invaded. Their prying hands on my phone and laptop irritated me and the things they talked about were empty. I was hoping for a time spent catching up but a voice gnawed at my chest telling me it was nothing but small talk. It was stressful just how much energy I had to expend to participate in their conversation. I’m no longer sure if I spent more time hoping we could start the actual party or wishing they could just leave.

This feeling is so new to me because they are some of the closest friends I have, yet I felt out of place and awkward. Was it because I didn’t join them at dinner? Was it because I was just too tired to socialize? Or was it just because we’re no longer as close as before? Something tells me the last option is the most likely truth.

As I’m getting older I find more and more friends are leaving my life. I no longer feel I’m at the age where I can spill my heart to someone new. While I desperately want to make new friends, nothing is more comfortable and peaceful than spending entire days with the friends closest to my heart.

It’s a Friday night of the homecoming weekend, but I only feel empty.

Some mumble jumble about writing

Today appears to be one of those days where I can’t write. I want to talk about ideas, write about my weekend, but sentences just aren’t forming in my mind. I won’t go and call this a writer’s block, but let’s just say if I write for money I would be starving all the time.

A blog is a very interesting thing. When I first started blogging back in 2007, blogging culture was very much like an actual journal. You know exactly what to expect when people tell you they have a blog. You would expect a theme tailored to their personality and blog posts about their days, heartbreaks, lottery wins and (maybe) photographs. But nowadays, telling someone you have a blog is like saying you have a favorite color. Especially now that Tumblr is also considered to be a part of the community, it gets confusing.

What am I supposed to have on my blog here? I don’t doubt what kind of content I should reblog or post on Tumblr, but over here I always feel the need to be calculative. If I write too much about my feelings, does it come off as angsty and teenage-like? If I write too much about my days, does it come off as bland and normal? If I only post photographs of everyday-life landscapes, does it come off as “wannabe-photographer”? Eventually I find myself thinking way too much than is necessarily and I end up with a post like this one.

I don’t know how to end it either so I suppose I will talk about my weekend. I went to visit my boyfriend at his campus, and I loved it despite the awful shower and food that flowered pimples on my nose. We took two days to watch a movie because of how tired we got, and spent hours complaining about having to write a resume. I desperately wanted to stay with him but reality called and told me I have class tomorrow morning. So here’s to hoping for a good day in class tomorrow and a good day for words.

A moment of self-appreciation

Today instead of counting my blessings, I would like to thank myself. If there’s anything I don’t do enough of, it would be appreciating the girl who has chosen to stay in this turbulent journey of life. So here is a thank you, to me.

Thank you for holding your ground throughout the awful years of growing up, or so you call the “dark ages”. Thank you for making an effort to accept yourself instead of deciding to become somebody else. From thinking you were well above average to realizing your complete averageness, it must have been a hit. It was not an easy road, and you are still struggling at times today, but know that it is not an easy feat to be able to look in the mirror and think, I’m okay being me.

Thank you for trying your best to embrace every inch of fat on your body, and on places where you wish there is fat. You don’t think you look great in all the outfits you want to wear, but one day you will get there. One day you will flaunt the pear shape you hate and accept your thick waist, so be patient. For the time being, thank you for deciding not to care about other people’s judgement; I do appreciate the shorts and skirts during the hot summer months.

Thank you for making an effort to become less judgemental. Even now you still struggle with thoughts you know are wrong, but the important thing is you know to correct those thoughts afterwards. You have become much nicer not only to yourself, but also others. You have learned that the standards you set for yourself are for you only, and in no way is a person’s worth tied with their list of accomplishments.

Thank you for becoming more patient, and less petty. The pettiness still needs a lot of work, but it will come with time. One day you will become a graceful woman who will probably still watch a lot of dramas, and that is perfectly acceptable. The important thing is acting with elegance.

Most of all, thank you for keeping your faith in life. For your unwavering belief that life is a beautiful thing, I will be eternally grateful.

Project: Remembering the good

It’s always much easier to remember the bad things than the good.  I always say I had a terrible time in the first two years of university, but that is only what I remember. What I don’t remember are the nights I spent laughing with friends, even though the stress of exams have cast bags upon bags under our eyes. What I don’t remember are all the times I felt small triumphs, from catching the bus at the last minute to finding a great deal at Forever21. What I don’t remember are all the important times, the moments that will continue to matter up to my last breath.

Instead, what I remember is being a failure. Not going to class because I stayed up too late. Procrastinating on studying for my finals until a week before. Pulling out my hair because I can’t seem to get it. And that’s all I’ve written about as well. Complaining seems to come easier for me than talking about delightful times. I’m not sure if that is human nature, or just my nature. It’s probably just mine. 

All the good memories have been chucked away in the dumps of my brain, until minutes ago when I decided to go through my Facebook wall. As I kept scrolling, I was flooded with happy times. I checked the dates on the posts and pictures, and I see months like April, March, December, no way I was having this much fun in the middle of exams?! But that was the truth. In midst of crying about knowledge I can’t seem to remember in time for exams, I found laughter. The evidence irrefutably suggests that instead of having a miserable time, I had fun during miserable times. 

I think this is why I have decided to begin my most recent project. I have seen it on Tumblr and decided it would be cute and fun.

Write down good things that happened/things you are thankful for everyday on a piece of paper and put it inside a jar. Every time you feel overwhelmed by life’s happenings or you feel that nothing good as ever happened to you in life, read the things inside the jar. 

I have officially started early this month and I have yet to miss a single day. I also plan on reading everything once the new year comes, so I will have no choice but to remember that good things did happen. It’s just a matter of not dwelling on the bad. 

Defeating demons

Many people say that university is the best time of your life, which puts a lot of pressure on people like me. Rather than saying it’s difficult for me to have fun, because that’s not the case, I would say I don’t have the kind of fun that is considered “fun”. Due to that discrepancy, I tend to disregard my positive experiences as just “normal life” and convince myself that I’m having a terrible time. I intend to fix that this year, but that’s not the only thing. I had a tough first two years of university and it would be more than just lying to tell anybody that they were the best times of my life. 

For me, the university experience is a lot like going out for a run. I’m super stoked to begin, thinking that I’ll be rushed with adrenaline and it will be nothing but a positive experience. Then the actual running begins. It’s different. Awful, even. Why was I ever excited?! Why would anyone say that running helps produce endorphins? A lot of regret creeps into my mind and every cell in my body is telling me to stop. I try to push myself but there is nothing I want more than rest. In bed, with a phone game in my hand. When I’ve finally decided that it’s time to give up, however, my body suddenly adapts. Instead of pain and tears, all I feel is a weird numbness from my legs that have miraculously kept moving this entire time. Suddenly I can keep going for maybe another hour, or two. When I finally stop, I walk to my destination as a changed person with a racing heart. 

Those are some dangerously high hopes, but that’s my wish for these two years to come. The university experience isn’t necessarily making friends to last the rest of your life, nor is it acquiring skills and becoming a well-rounded person. To me, and I’m sure to a lot of people, the experience has been learning how to cope. Learning about disappointments, failures, and how to overcome them to stand on top. Learning that it’s never too late for change, and to never define yourself with all the things you have not accomplished. I don’t think I will ever be one to say that university was the best four years of my life, but I am certain that they will be few of the most transformational. 

Becoming sunshine

Reality comes in all different shapes and sizes in the form of disappointment. Some days it hits me and I’m always left feeling, ah so this is life. A lot of times I feel ridiculous for even feeling disappointed at all, but it’s not entirely healthy to invalidate all emotions that don’t seem to “make sense”. I think that’s one of the biggest problems when it comes to parenting; it’s easy for adults to dismiss the feelings and thoughts of a young person on the basis that they’re nothing but immature and naive. Now that I’m supposedly an adult, I’m doing this to the teenager that still lives in my heart. 

Today I found the dress I fell in love with in May, this time in my size. I was ecstatic to say the least, but of course when I finally tried it on it didn’t live up to my expectations of being the perfect dress. While that is hardly a real problem, the situation still brought about a fleeting moment of disappointment. There are too many things in life that are like that. The store has a huge sale, but nothing is in our size. We fill up a full tank a gas, then two days from now it’s much cheaper. Being extremely excited to take a course in the coming school year, but spots filled up weeks before you could even start to enrol. The situation is not within our control, but it’s not impossible to control the way we feel about it. 

I’m slowly becoming better at doing that. It’s not the end of the world, I tell myself. Because I’ve been there, I know the worst thing to do is drowning yourself in distress that is completely self-inflicted. I used to let situations overwhelm me to the point where my mood became a mindset. Was I always a pessimist? No, not really. I’m a realist who is optimistic at all the wrong times. But for years I lived as a dark, cynical pessimist, whose life was never going to get better because I apparently always got the short end of the stick. Before I knew it, I became the mood I was always in.

I want to personally apologize to everyone who knew me when I was nothing but a miserable soul. I’m still no ray of sunshine, but I’m getting there. Slowly.