It is not easy to change. And it is even harder to realize that after making so many changes, there are still things that I can’t change about my life.
I’ve gone through countless transitions as I built a stronger self. There were sad times, angry times, lonely times, and triumphant times. But there will always be moments when I fall back into a space where its walls are made of broken glass and my body is made of sand.
I fall back into a space where out of the 100 questions I ask in a day, 99 of them are questions for myself: “Are you sure you wanted to do that?” The consequences and effects of my actions, or lack thereof sometimes follow me and stick to my eardrums, incessantly questioning my certainty.
On most days it’s difficult enough to make a choice. When I don’t even trust myself to make the right choice, where does that leave me? In this case, it seems to leave me alone and vulnerable and anxious.
I really tried my best to be friendly, open, and warm. I tried my best to show up and participate and laugh even though my body rejected the crowds and the noise. I struggled through sitting on a couch around people I was supposed to like being around, and smiled and laughed as usual. I tried my best to be okay with the fact that it’s just difficult for me to make friends, but I am still here today wondering if there is something wrong with me.
The worst part is that everything started great. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. I was proud, and still am, that I really put in the effort to make a difference. But the results are underwhelming and disappointing. It’s sickening how upset I am with this fact but as usual, I’m unable to separate the feelings of loneliness with self-blame.