On underwhelming results

It is not easy to change. And it is even harder to realize that after making so many changes, there are still things that I can’t change about my life.

I’ve gone through countless transitions as I built a stronger self. There were sad times, angry times, lonely times, and triumphant times. But there will always be moments when I fall back into a space where its walls are made of broken glass and my body is made of sand.

I fall back into a space where out of the 100 questions I ask in a day, 99 of them are questions for myself: “Are you sure you wanted to do that?” The consequences and effects of my actions, or lack thereof sometimes follow me and stick to my eardrums, incessantly questioning my certainty.

On most days it’s difficult enough to make a choice. When I don’t even trust myself to make the right choice, where does that leave me? In this case, it seems to leave me alone and vulnerable and anxious.

I really tried my best to be friendly, open, and warm. I tried my best to show up and participate and laugh even though my body rejected the crowds and the noise. I struggled through sitting on a couch around people I was supposed to like being around, and smiled and laughed as usual. I tried my best to be okay with the fact that it’s just difficult for me to make friends, but I am still here today wondering if there is something wrong with me.

The worst part is that everything started great. It was fun and I enjoyed myself. I was proud, and still am, that I really put in the effort to make a difference. But the results are underwhelming and disappointing. It’s sickening how upset I am with this fact but as usual, I’m unable to separate the feelings of loneliness with self-blame.

In my spare time I review dramas

This is the beginning of a shameless plug.

I started a drama review blog (finally, after years of dreaming) because of a school assignment, and just now I’ve uploaded the second review I wrote for Sassy Go Go. If you’re interested in reading my thoughts on dramas and also learning more about them, go check out my blog :)

I think I’ve said it before (but I don’t remember, go figure), but my portfolio/blog is also live. There you can look at some of the work that I’ve done and read a blog on my career journey and the likes.

/plug

A friend I should’ve written about long ago

As you may know, fanfiction used to be a huge part of my life. Despite its bad rep, I have never been ashamed of being a fanfiction writer. Part of it is because I met someone who I’ve been friends with for eight years now.

We hit it off over Jackie Chan, for what reason, I have no idea. We had jetpacks and we used to send each other “glomps” like the cool teenagers that we were. Before Skype, before Facebook, before smartphones, we managed to connect with each other through only words on MSN. And fucking nudges (don’t think I’ve forgotten because I haven’t. I could have died by falling off my chair).

It’s likely hard for people to believe that in this day and age, we’ve only Skyped each other once and only recently started talking to each other on the phone. But I don’t really think that’s strange. Everybody has that one friendship that they just can’t quite explain to people, and this one of mine is one of those.

Our relationship is like drip coffee in the world of K-cups. Although we’ve always confided in each other, I feel that we’re still getting to know each other slowly. I didn’t know until last year, probably, that she doesn’t like sushi or cheesecake. I didn’t know how tall she was or her favorite colors. That sounds weird until you compare our friendship to others I’ve had, where I memorized their favorite foods and colors and birthdays and everything about them, but only to receive very little in return. I tried my best to be a good friend to them but those “friendships” are now one with the dust. Friendships are never about favorites, but about support.

We don’t have the luxury of spending so much time together that we’ve memorized each other’s wardrobes. We don’t have the power to comfort each other with a pizza party and tubs of ice cream like in those chick flicks. What we have are just words. But it is precisely with this friend that I felt again and again, the importance of words. In happy times she tells me that she is happy for me. In sad times she sends me virtual hugs. In difficult times she listens to me and supports me, and she believes in me so effortlessly that I start to wonder if she’s just crazy.

In comparison to her patient, generous, and compassionate self, I am just a bratty child. To me, she is a change-inspiring kind of beautiful. We are not perfect people, but how I wish I could have just a tenth of her giving personality.

Today is her 22nd birthday, and I am so happy to say that in 3 months and 11 days, I’ll be meeting her for the first time in a foreign land. We’ll be making new, physical memories with one another and that sounds more insane the more I think about it. Here’s to hoping we don’t end up hating and killing each other LOL

 

Feeling happy and excited

Today I wrote in my digital diary that I’ve been spending my days happily. But I think I might’ve only written that because these several days have been good for me. Especially today for some reason.

1. I only have several pages left to write before I can launch my drama review blog! I can’t believe I’m actually doing this but just thinking about it makes me so happy. I should’ve started years ago.

2. I finished my graduate school applications and have a somewhat complete-ish portfolio/blog that I also used for my application. Shameless plug right here.

3. Everyday on Instagram, I’ve been checking Joon Young‘s tag and leaving comments in Korean to the best of my ability. I’ve had exchanges with some people but I always wonder if they actually understood what I meant to say.

4. Today I decided to take the plunge to start a digital diary…in Korean, so I can practice. I also downloaded an app that can help check my grammar (except the explanations and corrections are all in Korean so it’s not as helpful as it can be). It took me forever to write an entry today but I’m so excited!!

5. I have also been addicted to the Joon Young thread in Baidu Forums. With that I’m practicing my Chinese to stop it from wasting away.

Unfortunately, none of those things I talked about has to do with actual school LOL But either way I will be done in April and I’m so excited for that too!!!! I need to stop with my exclamation marks, but just in case you can’t feel my excitement, you know?

That time I moved (again)

Moving always proves to be difficult.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m not one to be attached,” I’d say, but the lie breaks down in front of me when I’m surrounded by the past I’m to pack up into a box. A note I passed with a friend from Grade six, a plastic necklace from Christmas five years ago…all piled up in heaps on the floor. It’s the small details that are the worst. The ones that I’ve long forgotten, the evidence of a feeling that’s long gone.

But the worst part is sitting on the floor with the bowl in my hand, eating away with the disassembled table racked up against the wall. It’s watching the four walls, the chairs pushed off to a side, the disconnected TV, the sofa covered with a cloth. It’s noticing the cracks on the floor that were never there, looking at a space so littered with things but only seeing empty.

Empty, empty, nothing. Everywhere.

Will the carpet remember the touch of my feet? Will the walls remember the timbre of my voice?

The walls with penciled increments of my sister’s height, April, October, January. The lines a few feet above that I know are mine. The small hole on the wall where the calendar hung. The stickers on the side of my vanity in the washroom. The bad paint job left from the people before us.

Will the house remember me once I’m gone? If I ever visit again, will the place remind me of the things I’ve forgotten?

“This is a nice place, we’ll be here for a long time.” The lie I’ve carefully fabricated falls to pieces as we’re driving away, and I remember that I still haven’t taken pictures of the flowers now in bloom on my neighbour’s lawn.

 

** Written April 22, 2012

One person, some apologies

The last time I wrote about this friend was in April 2013. I wrote the opening paragraph so easily the last time, and this time it’s taken several days before I even wrote that first sentence.

I think it’s because I feel guilty.

The two of us have always argued about things, and sometimes it leaves us ending conversations in a bitter standstill. One time he was sending me off at a bus terminal and we managed to start an argument in those short five minutes that we had. We never talked about it again, but I still remember it. All those aside, we’ve never harboured any ill feelings towards each other because of those disagreements.

Until the time we really fought about one issue. For some reason, neither of us were willing to agree to disagree. Even to this day, I’m happy that I stood up for my beliefs and perspective on the issue because I was never the type to do so. I hate conflict and disagreements but for some reason I felt so strongly about it that I fought it til 4AM.

As you can imagine, the tension following that conversation was more than just a feeling. It built a wall of steel between the two of us. But I didn’t care at first because I was so angry about our conversation.

Then one day he reached out to me and said he changed his mind about the matter. Then another time he reached out to me and said he was sorry that he didn’t catch onto my rapidly crumbling emotional stability. I was thankful but I didn’t do anything more because I felt so awkward during those interactions. Although I have said sorry, I am thinking now that my apologies weren’t enough.

So this is an open letter to you. I am sorry.

Not for disagreeing with you, but for letting that tension eat away at our friendship. I am sorry for not saying thank you enough times to show you my appreciation for checking up on my mental health. I am sorry for not trying my best to resolve the awkwardness between us when we met up. I am sorry for not responding in time to your message. I am sorry that I don’t know how to say sorry well enough for it to warrant any kind of true understanding from you.

I won’t have any unrealistic expectations about our friendship from this point on, but I just hope my message comes off as sincere as I want it to be.

I am sorry. And thank you.

 

**I also have a new about page for a 21-year-old me :)

11 days into 2016

I have to say it’s been going fairly well. The weather has returned to crap but my spirit hasn’t been affected yet! I’ve been away from blogging for so long that I don’t even know how I used to write paragraphs without a thought.

Aside from my usual procrastination tendencies in my school work and such, my personal care has stepped up a notch. My floor is beautifully spotless, my plates don’t stay on my desk for longer than several hours, and I’ve been washing my dishes. I am a miracle worker.

I’ve also started a dream journal just before 2015 ended. I don’t know how useful it really is but it feels nice to just write about all the things I want in my life and the things I have in my plans. For this journal I am also throwing away my obsession with doing everything perfectly and staying consistent with pen usage. It’s liberating and I think all of you (in particular those with anxious personalities like mine) should try it!! I still like making it pretty but at least I don’t freak out when I find that one pen I was writing with ran out of ink.

Although I have no plans on training for 10K again (to be honest I just couldn’t fall in love with running), hopefully I can work on my fitness in some other way.

I think at this point I’m just rambling. But I’ve been feeling so solid in my well-being that I don’t even have much to complain about. Now I think that more than anything, self-esteem really has to do with a strong sense of certainty in myself.