This may be the first time I’ll write a truly positive year-end reflection. 2015 was a dramatic year for my mental and emotional state. I battled with negativity, weakness, anxiety, and I lost parts of myself during that time. But I also found peace, strength, and hope in the most unlikely places, at unexpected times.
In 2015, I cried more than I can remember. I thought about endings, running away, and death more than any other time in my life. I had to go see a social worker for counselling and for months I felt like I was constantly struggling to breathe. I lost parts of myself in ways I could not tolerate and I was completely unable to regroup.
Then I found my first full-time job. I wrote the best cover letter I’ve ever written and I left the interview feeling like a million dollars. My job taught me countless things about the world, people, and myself. I rediscovered my passion for graphic design and practiced my writing every day.
I went travelling by my own desires and explored the different parts of my wonderful Canada. I almost trespassed into the badlands in the rain, played in my nation’s capital, biked for 30km, ran my second 10k race, went spelunking for city people, went ziplining in a city just an hour north of my home, and experienced the small town life in a true Canadian winter fashion.
My heart almost left me when I held my first business cards in my hands, because I couldn’t believe that something I had designed could come to life just like that. My feature story was accepted at the campus newspaper. I got my first freelancing paycheque for graphic design, and it all went to my black Friday purchases.
I went to my first hackathon, where I ate five meals in one day and slept on concrete steps of a lecture hall. The sun woke me up and I crawled out of my sleeping bag to take a picture.
Although I still sometimes wish for a different body, I feel good and beautiful for no reason at all. I am comfortable in my own skin for the first time. Remembering the times I traversed caves, reached the top during rock climbing, and coming close to winning a game of table tennis (officially won my first December 31, 24-22) makes me feel more powerful than I ever have.
In 2015, I haven’t done anything significant enough to make news. But I am a changed person, no doubt. Although I don’t look any different and my resume hasn’t beefed up as much as I would like, in my body’s center there is a calmness that anchors my heart while my soul flies freely.
I am excited about my future and about my life, and I feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have. My name is Flora. My spirit is a bit wild for someone with my upbringing. I love to create because it makes me feel alive. I still love to stay home and watch Korean dramas, but I would also be excited to go on a hike.
2015 was really hard but I managed to make it. Now I can’t wait for 2016, because I will make it wonderful to the best of my ability. And I am very capable.